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Practices of Late Stage Managerial Mysticism

A rare depiction of the Executive Meeting ritual, colorized (Leonardo Diffusion XL)

Here are some of the occult practices of Late Stage Managerial Mysticism, as narrated to me in a dream by an initiate.

– Spell casting. There are many spells, but among the most popular, the ‘Agile’ spell summons profits, the ‘Diversity’ spell solves staffing, and the ‘Pivot’ spell wards off failure.

– Invoking the ‘Brainstorming’ ritual. This is done with multi-colored Post-it notes. The ceremony is used to bind one or several innovation spirits to the area of an average meeting room or four cubicles, whichever is smaller.

– Performing the sacred dance of ‘Networking.’ The dance is used to find and open loot boxes with ‘Opportunity’ manna.

– Chanting the ‘Customer-Centric’ mantra. It is believed to bring +10 in loyalty harvests when performed daily.

– Deploying the ‘Big Data’ talisman. The upper mystics use it for divination and insight into the primordial dark vortex called ‘Market Forces.’

– Periodically performing the secret dark art of ‘Change Management.’ A cursed ritual believed to rejuvenate the corporate body by sacrificing some of its parts.

– Reciting the ‘Alignment’ incantation. It is believed to mystically merge disparate departments into a unified force of incredible power.

– Seeking enlightenment through the mystic doctrine of ‘Lean Management.’ This is a path of asceticism where more is achieved by doing less, a paradox mastered only by C-suite mystics and true initiates.

– Regularly performing the ‘Team-Building’ rites. These occult rites are believed to forge unbreakable alchemic bonds between acolytes and transmute the curse of ‘Workplace Dissatisfaction’ into the blessing of ‘Workplace Harmony.’ They also work at a distance when used through the sacred Zoom portal.

– Summoning the souls of the employed into the sacred Zoom portal. The portal forces participants to engage in arcane rituals of mute and unmute, hoping to achieve the mystical state of ‘Effective Communication.’

– Summoning select members of the congregation into ‘Workshop’ covens. The faithful gather under fluorescent light to taste the secret potions of ‘Creativity’ and ‘Productivity.’ Often, these covens are used to perform the ‘Brainstorm’ ritual.

– Chanting the email addresses of the high priesthood of the corporate pantheon – the dreaded HR Business Partners. They are the guardians of the sacred texts of policies and procedures. As powerful spell casters, they are also tasked with performing the cursed ‘Change Management’ ritual.

– Establishing and attending divination rituals known as ‘Committees.’ These are believed to sometimes have the power to chart a way forward through the impenetrable fog surrounding the corporate body. Ancient heretical texts assert the dense mist is generated by the machinations of an evil demon known as ‘Inertia.’ However, enlightened HR guardians dismiss these as apocryphal.

– Convening the sacred circle known as ‘All-Hands Meeting.’ Here, upper mystics speak in tongues of their visions and achievements. It is a ritual designed to imbue the congregation with a sense of purpose, often resulting in collective trance states of confusion.

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